Seriously, if all that’s happening to me right now is a big joke, it really isn’t funny. I have been patient enough to go through a year studying a course that I don’t want, in a school that I have grown tired of. Now that I have a chance to turn all these things around (by transferring to a new school and taking up a course that I actually want), then again, my parents doesn’t seem to be very supportive about it. 

I thought everything was going well with them. I talked to them about this and they were all okay. I took another entrance exam and I passed. But now that I am supposed to get all my documents from my previous school, they seem to be withdrawing their support.

I understand that they’re having a pretty difficult time when it comes to earning money and I understand why it would take a while for them to pay my fees in my previous school. But it’s take too long to the point that I won’t have enough time to retrieve my documents and finish my enrollment.

I seriously need to be officially enrolled this week since I will be out of town with my friends on the following week. If I will work on all this shit after I come back from a trip with my friends, I don’t think there’ll be enough room for me (I’m talking about class schedules and subjects). And then… I’ll be back to that hell hole and study the same shitty course. My mother’s actually more than okay if ever I won’t be successfully enrolled in my new school. That fact alone kind’a hurts me a bit. 

I understand that if I transfer to another school, the heavy loads on their backs would become worse but… what about me? I really don’t want to waste four years of my life studying a shitty course and just work as an English teacher after graduation. Don’t you guys think it will be a waste of their money too?

*Sigh* I don’t want to talk about this with them anymore. In fact, I’m not even sure if I want to study this coming semester. Lagi nalang kinokontra, lagi nalang pinakukonsensya… I think it might be for the best to just let all of this pass and focus on the little business that my friends have put up, just to earn some extra cash. 

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I just have to seriously let this out from my head. You see, today was my most awaited day of the week. Why? I am pretty excited to show the whole NSTP class, my group’s fruit of labor; our video documentary about the value of a single peso. I am really confident and proud of our hard work. The video was awesome! Well, for me though. But when we showed it to class this afternoon, our NSTP teacher was like, “What the fuck is this shit? The topic of their video is sooooo different from the recent topic”. 

Well, first and foremost, we didn’t know we were supposed to do a presentation about the recent seminar we attended last Saturday (technically, my group mates attended it, not me). We thought we were going to make a video presentation about anything that concerns the community, because seeing all the previous video presentations that other groups made, they were more on friendship and all the other cheesy, dramatic things in life.

Little did we know, our hard work received quite a lot of criticisms instead of appreciation. I don’t know if our NSTP teacher doesn’t have taste or he’s just plain mad and serious about everything there is in the world. Even if it was quite irrelevant because of the so-called “recent topic” that the class is in, he could have at least appreciated our hard work rather than throw us deadly criticisms. One thing’s for sure though, our little video documentary blew our other classmate’s minds. 

Modesty aside, judging from my point-of-view, our video documentary was by-far one of the most organized and well….It was just plain awesome. Deal with it. The others just showed a lot of video clips and slideshows of photos; they don’t even own most of them.

*sigh* But then again, my group mates and I are taking all the criticisms as a challenge. We will definitely work hard to blow not just our fellow classmates’ minds, but most importantly, that greasy-haired NSTP teacher.

Today in a list #46

• We didn’t meet with the bitchy dean today!

• English 2B was okay. It was -_- 
• Filipino was energy-draining. Though the side jokes were okay but it was still boring
• WE DIDN’T HAVE OUR TRIGO CLASS TODAY

• Went home after the morning class
• I played sims 3 all afternoon!!!!!
• Went back to the city at around five
• Met up with my awesome girlfriends
• I HAD ONE HELL OF A TIME WITH THEM
• Went to Divisoria coz’ it’s proven night .|.
• Went to school with a kabarkada of mine to watch that concert for a cause
• It was really good. Period.
• I FUCKING SAW MY CRUSH!

• Even if he was like 25467457 meters away from me, the sight of him makes me happy 

• OKAY. I JUST TRIED MAKING A FAKE CHAT ACCIDENT TO HIM ON FACEBOOK AND HE WAS SOOOO FUCKING KIND
• He said “no worries” HAHAHAHAHAAHA 

• MY DAY IS NOW FUCKING COMPLETE!!!!

Today in a list #45

• I was almost late again for the bitchy dean’s class. I always get almost-late in her class
• She has the most annoying voice and teaching techniques ever! Oooooh dear god. I wish second sem would end fast!
• Eng2B was okay. We just had a group report and some shitty activity. What the hell was the purpose of that stupid activity anyway? It wasn’t well prepared. Ugh. Fuck group reports. We never learn anything from it anyway

• Filipino class was NOT okay. We had this stupid quiz and guess what, item 30 to 45 was the 15 presidents of the Philippines according to the right order and I was like

• I know I memorized that a long time ago but I couldn’t recall all that shit right now! And I got 22 out of 45. Bullshit

• Trigonometry was so freakin’ boring. The only fun thing about Trigo is that, you get to write tons of fucking triangles and I like that but today, my pen wasn’t cooperating with me so yeah, Trigonometry sucked today
• I was tempted to skip P.E class today and it’s okay
• Hanged out with my old high school buddies since they skipped their classes too. GENIUS
• Strolled around the mall, chillin’ around and had a round of Tanduay Ice in The Bridge
• I HAD ONE FUCKING AWESOME NIGHT and here goes to the stupid bitches who judge so quickly

So there’s this big debate thing that I have been invited to (well, I wouldn’t call it an invitation but a forced invite). An SBO member in our department told me about that two or three weeks ago and I wasn’t really interested in joining it. I was never the kind of person who’s made for making public appearances and talking in front of crowds and well… basically, speaking in front of people is not my forte. It was never my thing. Writing, yes; public speaking, no. I am such an awkward person and I often get lost in a middle of a speech or even in a middle of a report.

I still remember the time when I actually tried my luck to join an extemporaneous speech competition way back in high school (good thing it was only within the school). It was an UGLY experience for me. I ran out of words, my knees were wobbly and my hands were literally shaking like crazy. I felt like I just made a total fool out of myself.

And going back to this whole debate shit, I know it’s by teams but still, I am not confident that I could do it. We had our preparation and sort-of practice during lunch time. It was against our team and the Business Administration’s team. They were so good at expressing their point of views and when it was already my turn, I was fucking up the whole mock-session. My ideas were in knots and I couldn’t express them well. I was jumping from one point to another. It was a big mess and I was so fucking stupid.

Why did I ever let myself get through this shit anyway? I never wanted to be a part of this debate shit. I know I’m not good at it. Why do people still believe that I can do it? I’m pretty much a bipolar when it comes to expressing my ideas about certain issues. I tend to pick both sides. I don’t know. It’s a wee bit hard to explain.

All I know is that, I really can’t do this. I know I can’t. It’s just… too much. Ask me to write an essay or a poem or a short story, I can do that anytime you want me to but speaking in front of people, forget about it. 

I really have to turn my back on this now since it’s not too late yet. But Lord, will you please send me a sign that you want me to take this opportunity? I really don’t believe in myself with this one. Oh God.

Today in a list #44

• Biology class was

• It was my first time to magnify an onion skin and a piece of cloth hahahaha :D And it was awesome
• Computer class was so fucking stressful. We had to do this typing tutorial shit
• But it was okay since I got like the highest WPM in the class. 43 fucking words per minute and my classmates were like, “What the fuck?”, “Holy shit! No way!”
• While we were typing, my classmates were pushing every letter on the keyboard carefully

• I don’t mean to sound boastful but seriously, they should get at least 20 words or 30 words per minute since they text their friends faster than the speed of light LOL
• Then I went to ketkai to meet up with my mom
• My mom was looking for shirts for my father since it was the PICE convention
• We ate dinner there and their calamares was beyond awesome
• Then we tried their cocktails and it was good. I’m pretty sure I’ll get my alcohol allergies back again tomorrow
• Then we decided to try the photobooth and we had fun LOL