12/31

I was on my way out of the house for work, when a man from the bank came and told me to pack up my stuff any time soon because someone’s already interested in buying our house. Someone’s going to buy OUR house, Amanda. I don’t have enough time to earn enough money to save the house. I just looked at the man, dumbfounded. I don’t know what else to do anymore, Amanda. 

But you know what I did after hearing those words from that man, I went to Sally’s house and told her all about it. I was trying to ask financial help from her but she’s also having a hard time financially. I wanted to so much to call you and tell you everything but I know how stupid would that be. You don’t care about me, for sure. Asking help from you would be a mistake. I don’t want to bother you anymore. I’m pretty sure your life is so peachy these days. I don’t want to take even that from you. I have done enough damage in your life. You deserve to be happy this time. 

I went straight to work after dropping by Sally’s house. The hours went by fast and I went home carrying a take-out dinner from a carinderia. It’s the only thing I can afford now since I haven’t received my salary yet and my salary is never enough for me to save the house. I have less than three weeks and that time-frame is not even certain. The man from the bank said somebody’s already interested in buying the house. That only means that I’ll be off in the streets any time soon. 

But that doesn’t really matter and it doesn’t pain me that much. What’s more painful is cleaning the house and finding things you used to own and remembering painful memories. I know I may be too emotional about these things but I just can’t push myself to be okay because, I can’t.

I kept on asking God (if ever He really is there) why my life had been such a total joke. But I don’t want to know the answer either. It’s just that, right now, I feel nothing and feeling nothing is worse than feeling pain or experiencing death. Right now, I just feel empty. I don’t know where to go, Amanda. You used to be my safe haven. Whenever problems arise, I know I can always run to you because you were always there. But then again, things have changed now. You’re miles and miles away from me, sleeping tight beside the man who you so rightly deserved. 

Just for tonight, Amanda, let me come home to you and I promise, I will be gone in the morning. I just need to feel safe for once after a long time. Please? I’m begging. 

Brian.

11/31

It’s raining outside again but it’s not stopping me from getting to work. Although I arrived late this morning (because of that stupid train ride and the stupid crowds), big-fat Joe was kind enough to save my ass from my boss. Joe and I are friends now ever since he told me about his life. His job performance had also improved ever since. He’s associating to customers well, like any salesman should do.

We have also been exchanging stupid knock-knock jokes, even though they were a bit too annoying. I remember how pissed you always get when I try to tell you a knock-knock joke. You were always the kind of person who’s hard to amuse. I don’t know how I do it before, but it was so easy for me to make you laugh. 

It was still raining when my shift ended this evening. It has been such a long day at work. There were a lot of customers and I managed to sell three living room sofa sets. I waited in the same train station that we used to meet up whenever you want to go home together (but you know what happens most of the time, you always work overtime).

When I was about to open the front door, I noticed the house across ours. Remember Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs who lived across ours for what seemed like, forever? Well, I heard that Mrs. Jacobs had passed away recently and Mr. Jacobs was devastated. He spent two months staying in his bedroom and his only companion is his dog, Chief. I peered at his window and saw a few candles illuminating his living room. 

I knocked twice. I just wanted to know how Mr. Jacobs is doing. He seemed to have lost everything (literally) when his wife died. I saw Mr. Jacobs coming out of his bedroom, bringing a candle. Then he opened the door and asked what I wanted. I said, “Good evening, Mr. Jacobs. Can I stay here for the night? I left my keys to my apartment inside”. I didn’t know what else to say. I was pushed to tell a little white lie. He let me in without hesitation. 

He made me a hot tea and he sat across me. We were quiet for a while until I asked him about his electricity connection. He told me that the company had disconnected it. Good thing, he still has enough money to pay another two years for his water connection. He said, he’s waiting for his time so he won’t have to worry about paying water bills. 

I felt bad about Mr. Jacobs. What I didn’t realize was that, there are still some people out there who bears bigger problems than I do. I guess, I was just too blinded by my own pain and problems that I didn’t even bother to notice others around me, until now. We had never ever tried to talk or to meet the Jacobs before. We always thought they were always out of town or they don’t like talking to other people or meeting new ones. 

You know what, Amanda, I wish we had the chance to meet the Jacobs. Their lives are so interesting. One night of talking with Mr. Jacobs wasn’t enough. The way he tells me about his and Mrs. Jacobs’ story was like reading a children’s book to a child. And I miss those things. It had brought me to the time when we were pretending we were ten year-olds and you read Humpty Dumpty to me before I went to sleep, because you knew that I never really had the chance to have someone read me a children’s book before going to bed. From then on, it was my favorite children’s book. 

I wished we took things slow, Amanda; just like Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs did. Mr. Jacobs was pretty sure that his wife died with pure happiness in her heart. They didn’t rush things and that made their relationship strong. 

If I could bring back time, I swear, I’d love you right.

Brian.

10/31

I was supposed to watch another episode of The Big Bang Theory and eat another box of pizza and french fries, when the lights went out. It has been raining cats and dogs ever since this morning. When I went to Wood Works for work this morning, coffee was almost out of stock. The temperature’s probably low enough to freeze myself when I step out of the house (you know, that’s just an exaggeration). At least, in here, it’s warm and comfy. 

I only have a few candles in the cupboard and thank God, I have five of them. It’s better than having nothing at all. I don’t really want to go out and buy a pack of them in the grocery. I’m sitting in the couch, drinking beer, watching the candle flicker in front of me. Rain is pouring hard and the sound of it annoys me. It reminds me of that one time in college, when I saw you waiting in the terminal, waiting for a ride home. You were almost drenched and desperate to go home, even if you lived a few blocks away from school.

Luckily, I was bringing my grandmother’s umbrella with me and I decided to walk with you until you get home. You said, “No thank you, Brian. I can manage to get home on my own”. Well, did you really? Hahaha. You finally gave in and tried to get over to me. I purposely stayed a few steps away from the roofed terminal, just to see how you’ll forget being maarte. You were yelling at me, telling me to come closer but I pretended I didn’t hear you.

You finally took the risk to forget being maarte and walked fast over to me. We were both drenched already and the wind was blowing hard, which damaged my grandmother’s umbrella. We both laughed at how funny the umbrella looked.

Then in a moment, I was lost in your gaze. You looked at me with those captivating brown eyes, and before I knew it, I brushed my lips into yours. In that moment, I wished time stopped. It was the very first time in my life that I kissed someone so beautiful and amazing. I have always carried that memory with me until now. I hope that whenever it rains, you remember that one moment when we felt nothing but pure love and happiness. 

Forget the day I fetched you from work because it was already raining hard and the car broke down. I remembered how pissed you were because you were already stressed out, problematic, and the rain and the stupid car didn’t help your situation. Forget that. Remember that one blissful moment.

You know, if not because of the rain, I wouldn’t have had the chance to kiss you for the very first time. It was the exact perfect moment I have always imagined in my head. Thank you for letting it happen for me, Amanda. I hope it was what you had always imagined too.

Brian.

9/31

I went to work today after yesterday’s big renovation thing. They moved the whole couch area to the other side of the store. There were more space for new furniture pieces now. Big-fat Joe was actually quite an interesting person. We had quite a long talk over coffee break this morning. I didn’t really mean to be rude to him but I asked him why he was so absent-minded all the time. He sighed and started telling me things about his family. 

He told me his wife and daughter died in a freak accident 10 years ago. Ever since then, he lost the will to carry on with his life. He wanted to die. He said, “What’s my purpose to carry on with my life? I lost my wife and kid. They were my life”. I felt sad about big-fat Joe’s situation. His wife and his child did not choose to go; they were taken.

Then I was reminded of how painful it was to see you go, Amanda. Being left by choice is more painful that being taken away. You left because you wanted to. And every time I remember the night you packed your suitcases and walked away, the stabbing pain comes back, which I had to cope up by killing my liver with beer. 

Do you realize how painful that was? Did you feel hurt when you left? I’m guessing not; because two weeks after you left, everything fell into place for you. I guess, leaving me was one of the best decisions you have ever made. 

I’m sorry if I only made your life a living hell, Amanda. I never really wanted you to feel that way. I’m sorry.

Brian. 

8/31

It is true what some people say that you will never know what you had until it’s gone. But what’s truer is that, you will never really know what you had until you clean your house. I just proved that right since I have started cleaning the whole house this morning. My boss gave this day as a day off since they’re going to do this whole renovation thing (or was that an inventory? I’m not quite sure) today.

If you were here, Amanda, you would definitely give me a big sigh and say, “Good that you’ve finally realized that this house needs some spring clean”. What changed my mind and finally pushed me to clean the house? Believe it or not, it was this crazy imagination of you, finally deciding to come back home, and seeing the whole house still in a big mess. In my imagination, you were screaming at the top of your lungs at me. I don’t want that to happen anymore. 

I want you to come home to a clean and peaceful house. You know, like everything feels like brand new; like we are going to start on a clean slate. If ever you decide to come back home, I want us to put everything in the past where it rightly belongs. I don’t want us to keep on recalling things that’s already done. I want us to start anew; if ever that’s going to be possible. 

I started cleaning out the kitchen because I really think it needs more attention than all the other parts in the house. I haven’t been washing some plates for weeks since I literally forgot that I have used some. I have been eating out much ever since you left. You used to cook for the two of us and when you left, I just don’t want to eat alone. Our dining area was one of the places we felt nothing but pure happiness. It doesn’t just feel right when I eat there alone. 

I washed the plates, scrubbed the kitchen counter, cleaned the stove, and sanitized the cupboards. I have also carefully stacked the plates that your boss gave you for your first big achievement in the business world. Although, you really like your boss but her gift was just too… too… gullible. You don’t see the point why she gave you a box full of plates. Don’t worry. I didn’t get her sense of humor too.

After cleaning and sanitizing the kitchen, I went on to cleaning the bathroom. It wasn’t too hard after all. Scrubbing the tile floors, cleaning the toilet and sanitizing the whole thing, wasn’t so hard after all. Even though I kept on slipping and holding tight to the towel railing. 

I found a few of your old stuff while cleaning. I found your long-lost The Body Shop cocoa butter body scrub (which was already half-empty) and your pink loofah. I hid them in the kitchen cabinet because you just spend too much time in the bathroom when they’re around. Remember my lame excuse? “I think they ran away on their own”. You actually looked funny when I told you that.

I also found our matching brown water bottles with yours printed with, “The love of his life” and mine, “The love of her life”. We used to carry it all the time! Too bad it looks a wreck now. The print in my water bottle had slightly faded and yours is hard to read. Well, I guess it’s telling me something. I just keep on denying it. 

I didn’t really finished cleaning today because after cleaning the bathroom, I got lazy. I know how much you hate laziness but I just can’t help myself. I spent the whole afternoon watching episodes of How I Met Your Mother, while eating a box or two of Hawaiian pizza. 

P.S. I wish you were here. I know how much you loved watching How I Met Your Mother while eating pizza. Too bad you’re spending the whole day, probably meeting with business tycoons and being all well-behaved, prim and proper.

Brian. 

7/31

I spent five hours of my life just walking around the factory shop, drinking coffee, and trying to make small talk to my co-workers. They are as incompetent as the ones you used to complain about, Amanda. There’s this big-fat Joe with Dumbledore-ish beard who’s staring blankly at the customers all the time.

There was this old woman who came by the shop this morning and looked for a red, leather couch. Big-fat Joe was just staring blankly at her when the woman asked where she could find some leather couches. I saved his fat ass and attended to the old woman. Aside from big-fat Joe, there’s skinny Raymond who’s totally addicted to smoking weed or coffee. He has this big, dark bags under his eyes and he keeps talking about his noisy neighbor.

You know, I’m not really complaining but so far, this job had been too difficult. We just got a bit lucky today because we actually had five customers and I sold three pieces of furniture to them. But what makes all these shit difficult is, for one, my stupid co-workers, two, the stinky employees only bathroom, three, only a few people actually heard of this wood shop, and four, my boss’s stupid vintage Mustang GT is reminding me of some things I don’t want to remember about you.

But now that I have mentioned it, I think it wouldn’t hurt that much. Well… I’ll try to keep a hold of myself. Remember the old Mustang GT we used to ride around when we were younger? The memories we had with that vintage car is still so vivid to me. It feels like it was just yesterday when we first sneaked into your dad’s garage and tried to drove the car out without making a single sound; but we always end up either caught or escaped. 

I still remember how that made me feel. It felt really good to break some rules with you even if it was just for a night, and even if we’d end up getting lectured the next day. Remember all the places we’ve been with that car? We drove as far as we could, lied down on the hood, and looked up to the stars. We even tried counting them, remember?

Lying beside you and seeing you sleep like an angel for the very first time, was irreplaceable. In my head, I was saying a prayer, telling God to never let the moment end. I was telling Him to let time stop for a moment so I could just be there with you. 

You didn’t know about this but the first time that we slept together under the same roof, I was up almost all night just looking at you, keeping stray hairs away from your eyes, stroking your long brown hair, just appreciating how peaceful you looked. Just knowing that the one I love is sleeping peacefully beside me, made me happy. 

I just hope that the one you’re with right now, appreciates the simple things about you, without asking you to change, like the way I did before. Because if he really loves you, he should love every part of you, not just the ones he chooses to love. 

Brian.